It’s the final minute, and your athlete just missed the shot that would have won the game. Shoulders drop. Then the tears come — or the anger, or a wall of silence. In that moment, you’re likely feeling something too: the urge to fix it, frustration, or simply not knowing what to say.
Every athlete has moments where emotions take over — after a mistake, a loss, or a disappointing performance. These moments can be hard to witness and manage, but they’re also a chance to provide meaningful support. How you respond can make a big difference.
When someone is highly emotional, the brain’s reasoning centers aren’t working at their best — their body has shifted into a stress response, making it hard to think logically or have a productive conversation. That means right after an outburst usually isn’t the time to coach, teach, or correct.
Even well-intentioned comments like “Calm down” or “It’s not a big deal” are unlikely to help — they can leave an athlete feeling dismissed or ashamed.
Focus on helping them regulate first
Before talking about what happened, help the athlete return to a calmer state — a few minutes away from the crowd, a calm voice, sitting quietly beside them, encouraging slow breathing, or offering water or a short walk.
Some athletes want company; others need space. Ask what they need rather than assuming. The goal isn’t to make the emotions disappear — it’s to help them feel safe enough for those emotions to settle.
Wait before having the conversation
One of the biggest mistakes adults make is processing the incident while emotions are still running high. Wait until the athlete has had time to regulate — that might be later that day, the next morning, or after they’ve eaten, rested, and reflected. Once emotions have settled, they’re far more able to reflect on what happened, identify the trigger, and consider better coping strategies next time.
Start with curiosity, not criticism
When you do talk, approach it with curiosity rather than assumptions or advice: “That looked like a tough moment — what was going through your mind?” or “Can you help me understand what happened for you?”
Sometimes an athlete isn’t upset about the game itself — stress from school, family, friendships, or injuries can surface during competition. Listening first helps you see the bigger picture.
Help them build skills for next time
Once they’ve reflected, work together on a plan for next time: how they can recognize early signs of becoming overwhelmed or angry, what helps them calm down, who they can turn to, and what
they’d want a coach or parent to do in that moment. These conversations build emotional regulation skills that carry over into everyday life.
Know when it may be something more
Everyone experiences frustration sometimes. But if outbursts become more frequent, more intense, or are paired with ongoing sadness, withdrawal, hopelessness, changes in sleep or appetite, or loss of interest in things they used to enjoy, it may be a sign of something more — encourage them to talk with a trusted adult or mental health professional.
The goal isn’t perfect emotional control
Strong emotions aren’t a sign of failure — they’re part of being human. Success isn’t about never having a difficult moment; it’s about learning to recognize emotions, recover from setbacks, and ask for support when needed.
You don’t need all the answers. By staying calm, choosing the right time to talk, and responding with empathy instead of judgment, you help athletes build not just their skills, but their resilience.
This article was provided by Calgary Counselling Centre, with information provided by psychologist Joel Zimmerman. Calgary Counselling Centre offers counselling services to individuals, couples, and families across Calgary — learn more at calgarycounselling.com